The SodaSlurping PattyFlipping Fatty Food Relay
by Spooji
Summary: Spongebob goes slightly wacko after Sandy gets too sick to participate in a tournament
1. Visiting Sandy

Spongebob woke up before dawn, eyes wide in surprise and delight. It was today. The day he had been waiting for for as long as he could remember. Or at least a week. Today was the annual Soda-Slurping Patty-Flipping Fatty Food Relay (SSPFFFR) of Bikini Bottom. Spongebob hadn't won the last one, but he was determined to be victorious this time. There were three people on each team; his consisted of himself, Sandy, and Patrick. And they would win. They had to win. Patrick was going to start the race with the soda slurping, and Spongebob would pick up for him in the second bit, the patty flipping part naturally. And Sandy would do the Fatty Food Relay, since she was the fastest of the trio when she wanted to be. He slid slowly out of bed, careful to avoid the large bullhorn next to his bed. Gary popped an eye open and meowed at him before dozing off. 

Less than a minute later, Spongebob and the sleepy Patrick opened the door to Sandy Cheeks 'bubble'. Carefully placing water tanks over their head, they scampered in to greet their friend. Sandy wasn't on her wheel, and she wasn't in any other easily visible area. Spongebob almost began to panic. Who would do the Fatty Food Relay if they couldn't find Sandy? Then he heard a weak coughing noise from Sandy's tree, and his eyes grew wide. The pair cautiously entered Sandy's home, not wanting a repeat of the hibernation incident. Sandy was lying in her bed, looking amazingly small. She was also pale, and didn't have any of her trademark energy. Now Spongebob felt he was allowed to panic.

"Sandy?" he asked, voice quivering. "Sandy, you're not sick. You can't be sick, Who'll do the relay for us?"

Sandy gave a weak laugh, opening her eyes to look at Spongebob. "Yes I'm sick, Spongebob. Find someone else to do the relay for you. I'm sorry…" She closed her eyes again. 

Spongebob gave a squeak that was more of a whimper, looking around in fear as Patrick chewed thoughtfully on the walls. "But there is no one else, Sandy! We need **you**!" When no response came from the pale form on the bed, Spongebob turned white. His eyes grew to an unnaturally large size, and he began muttering to himself, the words not quite loud enough to catch. Patrick naturally didn't notice, and Sandy seemed more dead than asleep.

A not-quite-sane giggle burst forth from Spongebob as he clutched the wooden edge of Sandy's bed, starting to rock back and forth, then bursting into a song that only lasted about a minute and a half, getting no response from Sandy other than a groan. _"I'm a little teapot, short and stoooooooout!_" He hunched in on himself, becoming a slight bit more short and stout than normal. "_Here is my handle, here is my spoooooout!_" Spongebob put on hand to his hip, holding the other out to his side like a spout. Then his song changed, to more of a chant that he repeated over and over to himself in a singsong voice. "Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. It was cold. I built a fire. I burned to death. They buried me underground. The worms, they drove me crazy… Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. It was cold. I built a fire. I burned to death. They buried me underground. The worms, they drove me crazy…" He continues this chant, faster and faster until it seems more like a hum than anything else.

Patrick had fallen asleep, drooling from one side of his mouth and Sandy just cracked an eye open to gesture feebly at the door. "Go 'way Spongebob. You're driving me crazy…"

With a slight whimper, Spongebob woke up Patrick and they left. 


	2. Patrick's Job

A few hours after leaving Sandy sick in her bed, Spongebob had not gotten any better. He had gotten worse, if anything. There was green facepaint smeared all over him, and he was no longer wearing his square pants. In fact, he was wearing something akin to a loincloth. But without cloth, just with green paint. And he was swinging around the Bikini Bottoms downtown area, causing people to cover children's eyes or stare, depending on their preferences. And Patrick was worried and scared, but more worried than scared. He had been trained to deal with situations like this, and while he didn't want to tranquilize his friend, it might be the only way out. But first, he would try all the other ways he had knowledge of. 

Leaving Spongebob running naked around Bikini Bottom, Patrick returned to his rock. While most people thought of it as just a rock, it was far more than that. Concealed beneath the hard layer was a high tech government station that only Patrick had both access to and the knowledge to work. As he reached the large chair situated in the center of the depression that served as his public home, Patrick flipped open the arm and pressed the buttons in a complicated pattern. A small blue square, made of some jelly-like substance appeared, and Patrick carefully placed his hand into it, waiting a moment or two for the fingerprint verification. Patrick felt, rather than heard, a voice in the implanted microphone in his head say 'verified', and the chair tilted back, sending straps over Patrick's head and large torso to enclose his body as a door appeared in the wall and the chair was propelled through it. 

It hissed to a stop in a secretive room, where everything had a vaguely turquoise glow about it. Patrick shouted out coordinates, and a TV dropped down from the ceiling to give the starfish an excellent view of downtown Bikini Bottom. He froze the image and traced the outline of Spongebob, then started it again. The hidden camera dislodged from its spot and floated silently after Spongebob, keeping him in view the entire time. Thus keeping an eye on his friend, Patrick turned to some way to stop him. Jabbing at a small blue button, a crackling noise came over a concealed speaker.

"Agent BB-4, come in Agent BB-4…"

Patrick sighs heavily and holds down another button as he replies. "Agent BB-1 to base."

The voice crackles in again, as Patrick's superior shouts at him. "What are you doing in the lab? Isn't your disguise the stupid one? And what's this I hear about mass destruction and the terrified populace of Bikini Bottom, BB-4? Your job was to keep order there, you don't seem to be doing a very good job of it so f—"

The voice stops abruptly as Patrick rolls his eyes and switches the machine off, turning back to the problem of Spongebob.  As his superior had said, there was a great deal of destruction.  Patrick wouldn't have _quite_ called it mass destruction, but apparently headquarters had never really seen anything like it before. Of course, they didn't live in Bikini Bottom, so that was understandable. His gaze flicks back to the screen before him to see Spongebob, still dressed only in paint, picking up grocery carts, somehow managing to get them to the tops of large buildings, and tossing them down to watch the ensuing panic. Patrick winces. That poor fish didn't even know what had hit him. Then Spongebob did the unexpected. He stopped streaking through town and sat quietly down in front of one of the more prominent cafés, talking to himself. A rather terrified fish came out (he was being paid extra for serving the mad sponge) with a menu in his trembling flippers. Spongebob took the menu happily and proceeded to turn it upside down and read it.

Now Patrick blanched, scrambling around the room in a hurry. _Please don't let them feed him, PLEASE don't let them feed him! If they do, the tranquilizer won't work, and then where'll we be? Gotta hurry, gotta get there before Spongebob orders!_ Leaping into something that looked suspiciously like his chair, Patrick shouted a word. The room darkened, the chair grew straps again, holding their rider in place. A small glass dome lowered to cover Patrick, putting him in something that was half car, half easy chair. Pressing another button on the arm, Patrick shot out the door. Only after he was out did he realize that there hadn't been a door there before he left. _Oh, (^%#&(*… This stupid disguise must be rubbing off on me! I'm becoming…_ He pauses his thought for a moment to hit play on the CD player, and dramatic music starts playing. _I'm becoming… STUPID!_

Several minutes later, Patrick skidded to a halt a block from the café, carrying the tranquilizer and looking around hurriedly for his insane friend. The fish is bringing him a pot of tea and crumpets, looking rather shocked. Beginning to sweat, Patrick began to run towards the café, terrified.

Half a block, and Spongebob was taking the pot and crumpets from the fish.

A quarter of a block left, Spongebob was raising the crumpet to his mouth, and Patrick was racing towards him in slow motion, screaming something that may or may not have been "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

Just a few steps to the gate of the café. Patrick was raising the tranquilizer and diving at Spongebob, who took a bite of the crumpet and dropped his napkin.

Patrick flying through the air at Spongebob. Spongebob reaching down to pick up his napkin as Patrick tranquilized the innocent fish. 


End file.
